just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Randomize
