I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Randomize
