my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
