I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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