My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
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Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
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ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize