if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
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