I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
We need to rekindle our bromance
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Randomize
