cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
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