his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Randomize
