I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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