Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
