you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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