I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
This is my gift to your gina
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
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