If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Randomize
