She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
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This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
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You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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