Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
