In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
