"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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