Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Randomize
