So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
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Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
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Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
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