fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Randomize
