Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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