Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
