I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Randomize
