So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
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i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
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He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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