the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
At least life still wants to fuck me.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
