No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
