so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Randomize
