Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
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