Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
