a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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