Porn is love you can see.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize