just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Randomize
