Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Less talking, more tequila
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
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