Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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