I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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