FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
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