I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
