We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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