They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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