and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Randomize
