Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
