I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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