Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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