he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
