if you like me you must not know who I am
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Randomize
