ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
