I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
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