i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
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