a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
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