He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
I checked into jail on foursquare
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
