Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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