I can text with my tongue
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Randomize
