I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Randomize
