Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Randomize
